Personal Life: Mentally & Sexually Abused (Read With Caution)

This is going to be one tough blog to write though it needs to be out there since not only do people assume I am okay a good chunk of the time and my stories don't cover everything about me, the only book close to who I am is She's My Kind Of Country. Though that book doesn't deep dive into other issues I have faced in life. 

What is mental abuse: Mental abuse is the use of threats, verbal insults, and other more subtle tactics to control a person's way of thinking. This form of abuse is especially disturbing because it is tailored to destroy self-esteem and confidence and undermine a personal sense of reality or competence.

Many of my ex-boyfriends would use this tactic with me. Can I recall who? Nope, I have dated/relationships with guys that I couldn't name them because of also the fact I got with as many guys as possible to cover trauma and my identity in the past. I have shared a video last night that broke me mentally, I wasn't sure if I wanted to even write this blog but as it seems I am a target for anything including with my siblings who have no idea what I have faced. My personality is sweet and gentle, I am what they call a good girl least that is what my brother-in-law called me back in Middle School. I don't get in trouble often, I stay away from those that leave insults to my personality, and much more. I have faced mental abuse since I was thirteen years old, how can I remember that far? Well, it wasn't the boy next door it was the boy who lived in another part of the city that would use tactics to make me stay with him, he would refuse to let me end it too while he fooled around, party, and such, I was with him on and off for 9 years before we made him leave for good. Then the more guys I got with the more they would mentally abuse me for my looks, the way I dressed, took control of my family and friends, insult me every chance they got whether I deserved it or not, and it goes on forever. Most of the time, I dealt with it until the guy got tired of me and then go back to square one. I dealt with it for so long, I had even both younger and older guys do this. It wasn't until I got out of my last relationship before Larry that I had to finally take a step back and realize most men are control freaks and assholes. Yeah, I needed to get away from one guy back in my home state at the time but I did have bad taste when it came to dating/relationships. Do I blame myself? Every day. I did it to cure trauma that I faced back in school before dropping out and now living with that regret too. So, yeah that is what I also face about myself. 

What is sexually abused: Sexual abuse is sexual behavior or a sexual act forced upon a woman, man or child without their consent. Sexual abuse includes abuse of a woman, man or child by a man, woman or child. Sexual abuse is an act of violence which the attacker uses against someone they perceive as weaker than them. (Another form of rape)

Now this may trigger people, I was literally in the face of this. I don't completely blame my own mother for this but I am going to speak on it anyways. You see when my Dad quit working for a paper route back at home due to being 100% disabled from his neck and other disabilities, another guy was hired to take over for Dad on his big route. Well, me and my two younger siblings would go to help this guy. Matthew quit going after a few trips but me and Tiffany on the other hand stuck it out, now I can't speak for my sister but I can speak for myself this guy had a habit of taking us to his house after the shift and touch me in places that were wrong for a twelve/thirteen year old to be experiencing. Mom got rid of him as soon as I told her what he kept constantly doing to me, I have no idea if my sister ever said anything but I took the chance for myself to get him out of our lives. Then as I got well into my teen years, I had older men constantly hitting on me and wanting in my pants. A good chunk of the time, it was either men I knew through my parents or some random guy. Now, I admit I did fall in love with one older man when I was sixteen, he has already passed on but he never hurt me in anyway I will say that. I won't name the men who did hurt me and shouldn't have touched me, it never left my mind though as I got older. At one point as a late teenager/early adult my mom would be seeing other guys (no joke), and while she would have her needs met so to speak, the men that she were seeing would want to do things with me too. I had to tell them no repeatedly, I was always a target with older men for like guys in their 30's, 40's, and 50's or even 60's. It would creep me the hell out. Now here is where it may bother some but what these men would do, would go down my pants (touch me or finger me down there) or play with my breasts or both. Even after I would say no or shook my head no, in their minds that I was young and couldn't think on my own. One guy my mom met with wanted me and her in the bedroom with him, I shot that down real quick, never ever would I do that. I don't know how much my mom knows but I am sure when she reads this it may bother her. I can't hide it anymore. I am an adult and I have faced some really, really, really, bad men. This could of happened even when I was with the same-sex but in reality it never did. It never happened. No woman in my early years of life had ever hurt me, controlled me, or anything beyond what I consented. I didn't consent, seduce, or anything else for these men to touch me, they would because they can and most likely knew no one would believe me. I did try to tell the wives of some the men that did touch me in ways they shouldn't have and no, they didn't want to hear it. So, I had to deal with it, no matter what because no one would hear me out. 

ANY FORM OF ABUSE IS WRONG! ALWAYS REPORT THOSE THAT TREAT YOU IN AN UNPLEASANT WAY. DON'T IGNORE THE SIGNS. CONSENT IS IMPORTANT, NON-CONSENT YOU REPORT.

For those probably wondering why I was a target, my guess is that because I was blonde hair, skinny, and dark blue eyes, made it easy to get predators to sexually harm me. Now did I face actual violence with these men, no, they just made me a target for their sexual advances. I would never dress in ways to intrigue men to touch me in those ways but it didn't matter. 

So, everyone is aware, I don't blame my mother, she trusted these people and the same with my dad at least the ones that were apart of the family. Hell, I have had married men have sex with me without my consent, why? because I was pretty and knew I would give them what they want. I did finally break down and told a woman that was a friend of mine that her ex-husband did have sex with me and I didn't like his advances, turns out I wasn't the only one who told her.

How am I doing today? Honestly, some days are rough while others are good. I do relive a lot of moments from my past that is no lie. I live those horrible ways in my head. The reason I pushed away my best friend Will away because he wanted to do something that should never been brought up because he knew my past and yes, I have forgiven him but I can't forget and he knows it. We are well past this though, we have recovered our friendship. 

Does Larry know of all this? Yes, he has known about everything that I have went through since we've been together and will let me talk about it. Same with the rape that I faced in my Middle and High School years from a classmate. Yes, I have been raped. It is a horrible reality when dealing with it. Otherwise, I am going to end this by saying. No matter your age, always watch your back and it doesn't matter the gender or age, people are mean and very hurtful. 

♥ Amber