Grieving, Depression, and Anger

I feel like since the loss of my mother in law Allison it has become a rocky road of emotions. Like I mentioned before, we didn't see eye to eye because I don't drink often and I don't like cigarettes as I'm highly allergic from the ashes. Yes, it is that serious. I'm also a heart disease patient so any thing that is bad for me can do damage to my heart if I'm not careful. Her result that day for me having a bad breathing attack cause of my heart was Benadryl. Was it wrong? No. But that wasn't going to cure me at all. It wasn't allergy related. Her home was permeated with smoke like my Grandparent Kissel's side was. I couldn't stay long around people who smoke for my own health reasons. I have somehow offended by not being able to stay in her house that day. She also denied Xia water that same day after me and Larry went to have lunch. Our biggest regret was leaving our kid with her without knowing what was gonna happen. I mean my ex sister in law was there too with her oldest boy and taking care of Xia for us but yeah, that day became hell. 

I know the next question is what does this have to do with anything? It has to do with the fact that I'm still a human and watching her lose her life that night on June 15th, 2025 is the hardest thing I've ever seen. My parents never let me see someone die. We did attend funerals but I never seen someone die before my eyes. We didn't stay for her last breath which I regret because my own depression and anxiety was getting the best of me also Xia was in no better state at that point losing his Granny Hoss. My teenager was having a hard time watching someone on the brink of death. Did I have my medication with me? Of course, I did. I could have taken it at any time but I didn't think me and Xia would have been able to see her that way. That was my husband's and brother in law's Mom. Yes, I am family and have been for 11 years. You read that right 11 years. 

I'm grieving her with my husband Larry who has been my heart and soul through this. Cause in my eyes as I told him that's his Mom. He needs me. I need him. This is one part of our life that has made us see that their is more to this world than holding grudges and he has hold the longest on his Mom for what happened back in 2015-2016 I know it was between rough years from AWP and such. I'm currently suffering depression, I'm not going to hide it, and have been delaying YouTube video's for weeks. It isn't that I don't want too. It's just whatever my husband is feeling, I'm feeling it too. I've always been able to feel what he is feeling and it is the same for him when it comes to me. I'm having really bad dreams as of lately too. This one from early this morning broke my heart in two because my husband left me...why? Well according to the dream, he was following what his Dad asked of him when we went to Florida which is to leave me behind and forget about me. Now, would Larry do this? No, we agreed to show his Dad and anyone else doubting us that we are in this for the long haul. I'm thinking the dreams are cause of my grief and depression. It's known to happen to those with feeling over emotional. 

As for anger, I'm literally taking it out on Marketers, Promoters, and those beyond Indie Publishing. Am I in the wrong for feeling pissed off at these people? Most likely. I shouldn't be bitching for all the attention but it gets under my skin that they think what is best for someone. I don't want to Traditionally Publish, I don't want Movie/Trailers for my books, I don't want art work that I have to pay for, I don't want to pay for Marketing and Promoting for my books, and damn sure don't want to pay for people making an ass out of me. This last person that is leaving me questions on AllAuthor has really gotten under my skin by thinking I need to follow Tropes and be on BookTok, I will say this NO! No, I don't. What I need is an audience to reach on my own accord, not people demanding of what I should do. I write what I want and express myself in ways that have helped those in need. Now, does my grammar suck? Ha, yeah, I ain't gonna lie on that. I'm not the greatest with it but if you go to WeInk App, you can see the better versions of my books. I'm not a failure, I just don't believe in being perfect and reaching standards that others require. 

Let's end this with hopefully a positive note. I'm not Publishing anymore for 2025 as I am grieving and dealing with it hard on the loss of Allison. I'm in no better shape like my husband Larry and Xia. Losing her is the hardest thing I've ever had to face by his side. Wonder what hurt the most? Seeing my brother in law in tears and begging his Mom to let go. That him and Junior had it. That they will be okay without her. It's the reality of losing someone that important. So, for the time being I'm just gonna be writing on AO3 and hide myself in gaming and reading. Will I be back to Publishing? Maybe. I know me and Ashley (Ashes) have projects planned together. I will still be participating in book parties for Promotions. But otherwise, until 2026, I'm fading off the radar and keeping to myself. I will update YouTube with a video sometime this year but it is still very raw and it hurts.

~Amber M. Kestner